Over the past several months, I've been asked by an extended family member what my e-mail name - SONORANMOM - means. I actually appreciate being asked this question. It gives me an opportunity to give an answer. However, I've been more hesitant about answering her - fearful, I suppose. She asked me again just yesterday, and I knew I could avoid it no longer. God wasn't being glorified in my negligence. Further, it would give me an opportunity to re-document the actual meaning since I've lost many of my journals and 'memorial stones' of God's faithfulness with my failed hard drive.
Here is what I wrote:
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Dear Aunt,
I apologize for not being prompt to answer your question about my e-mail name.
"Sonoranmom" is another 'memorial stone' in my life. Please allow me to explain.
I became a Christian while living in Phoenix - a part of the Sonoran Desert. A typical setting of sparse, desolation, and lack to most (geographically, topologically, etc.) but the setting of life and spiritual awakening and abundance to me. I had grown up in a professing Christian home. Went to church every Sunday morning, Sunday evening, Wednesday evening and pretty much any other time the doors were open. My dad was a Deacon at Wichita Bible and was a minister within the Navigators and a Moody Bible Institute teacher here in Wichita. My parents both worked alongside Billy Graham Crusades when they would come to or near Wichita. I 'prayed' the 'Sinner's Prayer' when I was six and considered myself 'saved' (from Hell). My parents are convinced the following isn't so, but I grew up thinking that was all that was necessary - believing in the 'right things', sincerely praying the prayer. Obedience - optional; love for the Lord - not necessary. I spent my life between the 'sinner's prayer' to after Dakota and Dylan were born living by the lie of 'Easy Believism and Cheap Grace'. The heresy that one can 'decide' to become a Christian, or one can 'ask Jesus into her heart' and then continue to live like hell. That's what I believed. That's what I did.
That is UNTIL we were transferred to Phoenix and we found a church where the Bible was preached from the pulpit. By the time we landed at this particular church, they had spent almost a year in the Gospel of John. Going through the Word verse by verse and in an expositional/exegetical style.
I didn't like the church right away. Kurt did, but I was offended by the Preacher's style. He was bold. He was straightforward. He was not 'kind and gentle'. He did not dabble in self-improvement, how-to win friends and influence people, save your marriage, relate better, make the world a better place topical sermons.
I vividly remember the Sunday he preached on John 3. "The New Birth". The account of Nicodemus and Jesus. "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God." Many so-called born-again Christians don't read this right. They read it as if the text says, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again, he may not see the kingdom of God." There is a huge difference between cannot (refers to inability) and may not (refers to not having permission). New birth precedes sight of the kingdom - that is what Jesus is saying here in John 3:3. Jesus goes on in verse 5 to reiterate this point: "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born of the water and the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. Do not marvel that I said to you, 'You must be born again.' The wind blows where it wishes and you hear the sound of it, but do not know where it comes from and where it is going; so is everyone who is born of the Spirit." (John 3:5-8 New American Standard translation - nas)
Our Pastor - because he taught the Word in an expository/exegetical style - turned us back to John 1 where it says, "But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name, who were born not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God." (John 1:12-13 nas)
I had thought (perhaps been taught) one could 'decide' to become a Christian. But Scripture declares being a child of God (obviously not every one is) is not because I will it or someone else wills it. I don't become a child of God because I'm born into a 'Christian' family or a 'Christian' country. I don't become a child of God because I 'decide' or 'will' to become one and pray a prayer. God's will makes me a child of God - if I am to become one. Radical. Shocking!
The Pastor went on to flip forward to John 6 where Jesus goes on to say "For this reason I have said to you, that no one can come to Me, unless it has been granted him from the Father." (John 6:65 nas) There was that 'can' again. No one is able to come to Jesus unless God has given them the ability to come. Ability vs inability. This was all radical to me....
The clincher was when he went on to demolish my strongholds of wrong thinking about 'what makes a Christian.' All my life I had thought the only requirement was to sincerely pray the 'Sinner's Prayer' - you know, the evangelical mantra proposed at every alter call:
"Dear God, I
a.) admit I am a sinner,
b.) believe You sent your Son to die on the cross and to pay the penalty for my sins,
and
c.) confess that I want to be a Christian and have You come into my heart and save me (from Hell)."
Being a Christian is something you can decide - and it was easy to do...or so I thought.
I had sincerely believed this was the ticket out of Hell and into the presence of God upon death. I had even imagined the scenario in my mind several times: prayed prayer as a child - meant it then...still don't want to go to Hell, so must mean it now...'knew' the right answers to choice questions - Jesus, Son of God; born of a virgin, died on the cross to pay for my sins, rose the third day triumphant over death, etc.... Because I prayed the prayer and knew the right answers to the key questions, I was self-assured I would 'go to Heaven' when I died. I would have passed the test.
Our Phoenix Pastor tore down my long-held belief; he exposed it for what it was. He stated being a Christian was not something you were born into. I wasn't a Christian because my parents were Christians. I wasn't a Christian because I was born in a 'Christian' country. Further, it was not something I could decide for myself. He went on to say it was not evidenced by knowing about or believing in God.
What came next struck me over the head like a sledge hammer. Our Pastor went on to read to us out of James 2. "You believe that God is One (right doctrine/right answers/head knowledge). You do well; the demons also believe, and shudder." (James 2:19 nas) He went on to explain that Satan and the demons not only know God better than we will ever know Him this side of heaven, but they even obey Him.
This utterly shocked me. I was stricken. All along I had thought I was a Christian because I had wanted to be a Christian. Because I wanted to escape the 'wrath to come' or Hell, I wanted to be a Christian. All along, I had thought I was a Christian because I sincerely desired to go to Heaven instead of Hell and because I had prayed the 'Sinner's Prayer' and had known some answers to some doctrinal questions.
Now I knew I was in trouble. Deep trouble.
By the grace of God, I was motivated to use Kody and Dylan's nap time to read the Bible. You see, I had gone to church nearly all my childhood…nearly all my life, and I never remember being taught this. Obviously, I’d been rooked. Obviously, I needed to read the Bible for myself to see what it says. Since our church was learning the Gospel of John, I decided to start at John 1:1 and read it through. On one particular day, sitting at the kitchen table, I got to John 14:15 "If you love me, you will keep My commandments." This bothered me. Jesus was equating love with obedience to His commandments (more than the Exodus 10). I thought Jesus' death and resurrection did away with obedience and 'the commandments'. I thought we were living in the days of grace and law was obsolete. I thought obedience was optional...for those few who actually desired piety. Further, I never thought about actually loving God. But after reading this, I knew I didn’t love God – not by His standard – and doubted I loved Him by even my meager standard.
Then I worked my way to John 15:14 "You are My friends, if you do what I command you." I literally about fell out of the chair! Here was that 'command' and obedience implication again. I wanted to be considered Jesus' friend. But by this definition, I most certainly was not. I cared nothing about obedience to God's Word. I hadn't even thought it was important, let alone pivotal. If Jesus equated love with obedience and obedience with being His friend I was in serious trouble. How do you conjure up love for God? How is this all accomplished?
For the first time, I realized I was not a Christian. I was not 'right with God' because I knew some answers to some choice questions and because I had asked Jesus into my heart. The only thing I could do was cry out to God to have mercy on me. I was in trouble and I didn't have a clue how to get out of it. God would have to help me - or not.
Jesus tells of something like this when He told of the Pharisee and the Publican:
"And He also told this parable to certain ones who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and viewed others with contempt: 'Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee, and the other a tax-gatherer. The Pharisee stood and was praying thus to himself, 'God, I thank Thee that I am not like other people; swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax-gatherer. I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.'
But the tax-gatherer, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast, saying, 'God, be merciful to me, the sinner!'
I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself shall be humbled, but he who humbles himself shall be exalted." (Luke 12:9-14 nas)
In theology, the word 'justified' means: to declare innocent or guiltless; absolve; acquit.
So one cannot be considered a friend to Jesus/right with God if one isn't obedient to His Word, but by the account in Luke, mere obedience isn't the 'mark' of someone right with God either. Pharisee's were excellent at keeping the Law. They had a most high standard of living out Scriptural expectations. Jesus did not say the Pharisee was justified. He said the tax collector who was humble and knew he was in trouble before God was justified.
It became crystal clear that I couldn't consider myself a Christian just because I prayed a prayer and knew some correct answers. I couldn't consider myself a Christian if I wasn't obedient to His Word; yet mere obedience to the Word of God however, was not proof of justification in God's sight. Obedience is necessary in the life of the Christian, but it does not make you a Christian. So what was it? What was that element that set Believers and make-believers or even non-believers or even the deceived apart? What set the Christian apart from the rest? LOVE. Demons believe. Demons obey. Demons do not love God. They do not treasure Him. They do not adore Him. I knew I couldn't not 'decide to love' God. You can't work up true, abiding love. I needed help! I needed Divine mercy!
"For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that (even the faith/salvation we have) not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works (praying a prayer - me, near-perfect obedience - Pharisee), that no one should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." (Ephesians 2:8-10 NASA)
"That is, it is not the children of the flesh who are children of God, but the children of the promise are regarded as descendants.
For this is a word of promise: ' AND THIS TIME I WILL COME, AND SARAH SHALL HAVE A SON.'
And not only this, but there was Rebekah also, when she had conceived twins by one man, our father Isaac;
for though the twins were not yet born, and had not done anything good or bad,
in order that God's purpose according to His choice might stand, not because of works, but because of Him who calls,
it was said to her,'THE OLDER WILL SERVE THE YOUNGER.'
Just as it is written, 'JACOB I LOVED, BUT EASU I HATED.'
What shall we say then? There is no injustice with God, is there?
May it never be!
For He says to Moses, 'I WILL HAVE MERCY ON WHOM I HAVE MERCY, AND I WILL HAVE COMPASSION ON WHOM I HAVE COMPASSION.'
So then it does not depend on the man who wills or the man who runs, but on God who has mercy....So then He has mercy on whom He desires, and He hardens whom He desires."
(Romans 9:8-16,18 nas)
God showed my need for His mercy in the Sonoran Desert. My e-mail name reminds me of that amazing, sovereign grace - and His continued grace and mercy in my life.
I pray you've been blessed by reading this account.
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